Horrorscope 2012

Capricon
              If you haven’t celebrated your birthday already, there is a great chance that you will before 19th Jan. You may or may not find true love this year. It’s a fifty-fifty chance to be honest.
                 Your lucky colours this year are fluorescent orange and magenta. Well not really but once you’re dressed like that it can’t get any worse. Wish you all the luck which you deserve.






Aquarius
            It seems like the second month of the year is flying by too fast, but that’s because February has 28 days!!! Good news and bad news for those of you who have been trying to get a promotion – you will get more responsibility and work longer hour’s…. only you won’t be financially compensated for the same.
               You’r lucky colours this year will be shades of gold, yellow, bronze, green. All of this of course is pure speculation.







Pisces
            You will be presented with many opportunities to make unexpected financial gains this year. Keep reminding yourself that end of the season sales are bad ideas. Try flying kites, make paper boats, aeroplanes. This might help you in gaining your self-confidence. True love will come knocking on your door….only to find out that you aren’t home.
                 Your lucky number is the square of 414133 multiplied by the cube root of 6.34
[Special Advice – I suggest you Invest in a 12 digit scientific calculator]

Aries
             Pay close attention to Mundan details this year. Change your barber saloon. Brush your teeth twice a day and wash your hands after you use toilet. And remember if it burns when you pee, it’s probably something serious go visit a civil engineer as soon as possible.








Taurus
            You will feel optimistic [not optimus-prime] and vibrant throughout the year. Unfortunately no one gives a damm about that. Accept this harsh reality as soon as possible. You will meet your soul mate in this month of May. Sadly he/she is already taken. Don’t bother with lucky numbers and colours .This year is going to be one of your worst. On the brighter note this won’t be “THE WORST”

Gemini

             You will meet an attractive person from the opposite sex on a popular social networking site. A week later that person will reveal to you that he/she is infact a fat 45yr old uncle/aunty in an open relationship. I suggest you to abandon Facebook and head over to www.babashamdev.com at once.
                Wear a cyan-striped shirt with lilac coloured pants every Monday. This won’t change your luck, but it will at least brighten everyone else’s Monday.



Cancer
            You will suffer from at least one common cold this year due to an unexpected change in the weather. Your boss will finally grant you that much awaited vacation leave …only he will pronounce it as “lay-off”. Students please don’t mess with your college office peon. Around the second half year you will meet your soul-mate. Unfortunately this is the same 45yr old uncle/aunt. I have already warned Gemini about this.
               You’re lucky colour is white, but every time you wear it a crow will poop on you.




Leo
           Besides weight gain, acne and unexplained hair growth, you will also make a small financial gain in the game of the housie. Do not trust Irfan Khan lifetime prepaid sucks. You will travel a lot this year unfortunately your boss won’t pay you for this. Embarrassing details that have been hidden and forgotten may resurface this year. Destroy your 10th slambook at once.








Virgo

           There is a strange possibility of a change of residence after the bank seals your flat. Try watching IPL season four this year and please don’t curse KKR the only eligible team to make finals this year [hope so]  And if you curse this team you will develop nasty rash in an unmentionable place which will seriously hamper your sex life be sure to use your ointment.
              Your lucky number is the square of your pant size and cube of your dad’s shoe size .






Libra
          You will be determined to make a difference at work/college with your enthusiasm and optism, but I am really sorry to say that you will fail miserably. Don’t quit your job I suggest you to continue to half-ass your job. And old flame will return to your life resulting in some exciting romantic encounters. Unfortunately your patner will catch you in the act and dump you on the spot. Try to avoid Taurean’s , they’re going to have a miserable year ahead.



Scorpio
           Plan a surprise for your loved one …. Dump him/her. A promising money making scheme will present itself this year. Let me remind you once again that the Scheme is a Scam. Try watching movies like RVG ki “AGG” and Khidki kholo sajna and television series like Indian Idol and some of fektaa kapoors daily soaps if intrested.
              Your lucky number is the sum of your phone number multiplied by the exact value of pie. Got it !!






Sagittarius
             Finance will be good as long as you stay away from the stock exchange market. A guest from a foreign land may visit you. This may also be an exotic virus. The only antivirus can heal this is the Bangalore famous “ Subramanium antivirus” (40 bucks SP road).
Read varieties of newspaper in toilet. Donate all your money to people like me. Pay attention to what comes out of your nose.
             Your lucky number is 1.37 and lucky colour is Naseerudin Shah’s hair colour.

Different kinds of friends

Mallu friends
This species is defined by their unique abilities of eating non-vegetarian food and consuming alcohol. A standard male mallu friend can take in over in anywhere between 2-4 ltrsof kingfisher strong beer at a time. Earlier presumptions like dosas and appam is not a mallu’s favourite food. A hungry mallu can belt anywhere 5-6 leg pieces of chicken at one go ( number varies in kg if the chicken isboneless ).  As a ritual he starts making a resolution to start jogging / diet from tomorrow.
Mallu’s also have the irritating habit of calling their other mallu friends into the group and conversing with them in malyalli so “Nobody Knows” what they’re talking about. They will also suddenly laugh out loudly making everyone wonder what the joke was. A mallu is usually calm and composed by temperament but can quickly loose its composure upon subjected to the slapstick humour. A mallu will wildly slap his thigh while laughing and rocking to and fro. Some can also be heard saying “What a funny” !!!!!


Bengali friends
Scientific name – Funneeaccentus sapiens
                      These species is defined by its tendency to try and eat all the food you have. One should be very careful not to open a tiffin in front of this species as it will be finished sooner than you say “Aurobindo Dada”.
                      Bengali friends also have a different manner of talking. They usually add a haiiiinnn ?after everything they say I repeat EVERYTHING they say. And its an art to be able to recreate a similar “haiiiinnn ?by a non bengauli. Bengali’s prefer to stay in fact I need to say stick to their own community people. They will usually look at any non-bengali with suspicion and doubt then it may Nelson Mandela, Gurulingaya Swami or Carol Gracious, they will doubt any non-bengalis.
I don’t know whether its affection, love or hatred towards the English alphabet ‘O’ and ‘A’ but there’s something neither they know nor I know. They are the most affended people 24*7 ready to take revenge.



Punjabi dost log
Scientific name – bhangrapallopajjicus sapiens
Punjabi friends are defined by their availability when you need friends to bash up someone. Punjabi friends will be the first ones in a group of friends to start cracking sardar jokes leaving you embarrassed and awkward.
                 These friends need a reason to celebrate anything at all. So the next time you buy a packet of cornflakes be sure you tell them so they’ll treat you with tandoori chicken or if you get your wisdom tooth removed tell them I mean do tell them so you can celebrate it with some chill beer at the local beer shop where you get tandoori chicken as a side order
         This species has the annoying habit of buying expensive things every two days and then calling you up and telling about it so you feel miserable for about your life.
          The parents of these species will call you to their house and “slap” your back’s. They’ll hit you so hard on your back so you’ll stop breathing and then they’ll pour lassi down ya right down your throat to get you back to normal. The moment you are back to normal you will get one compliment “Oye tera friend badda kamzor hai yaar “.
All in all kickazz friends


Catholic friends :-
                    Scientific name – putsomeredwineinitamus sapiens
            These species are some of the most enjoyable people to have around , extremely cool , always ready to do anything weird came to mind say as a ‘thought’ . After every Sunday they will tell you what they did on Sunday. It usually consist drinking wine and eating beaf. In fact all this species ever manage to do is drink wine eat beaf and play “guitar”.
          Catholic friends will try and convince you to join the merchant navy. They’ll talk to you endlessly about it till you get sick about it and actually join merchant navy . They will force you to listen Boney M and Lionel Ritchie by continuously playing it on their cellfones.
        All the father’s of catholic friends have a French beard. Yhe catholic friends themselves will grow up to have French beard one day . Except if they’re girls. In that case they’ll marry catholic friends with French beard.
        The ideal life for these friends is to eat beaf drink wine and listen to boney m also join merchant navy one day play guitar and grow French beard .