Gujju

Jalebi, fafda. Undhiyu. Snakes (read snacks)… is that all you know about the them? There's more, says Aseem

To start with, why is this column for the non-Gujjus? For the sole reason that the Gujjus who'd understand this, already know it too well and the Gujju's who don't understand this, never will.

For the utter native, Gujjus are people from the state of Gujarat. You'll always identify a Gujju. They make their presence felt; they' pretty vocal with a total disregard for etiquettes. You'd like to note here that I'm talking about the quintessential Gujju; a Gujju with all the Gujjuisms seamlessly stitched into his persona. There are totally different people from Gujarat too; those who have lost the touch because of external influence ('avda raste chadi gayela'). Many of the supposedly wayward people laugh on their fellow Gujjus; some in a lighter vein and some fullon coz no other option .

A true Gujju always laughs unless you're talking money. Money is a touchy issue and a Gujju takes it to entirely new heights. Apart from eating, drinking and sleeping money, some of them may even have had orgasms thinking about money. Laugh if you must, but money is one issue where you don't mess with a Gujju. He'll suck the marrow out of your bones in spite of being a vegetarian.

Gujjus and socialising go hand in hand. May it be the rainforests of South America or the Savannas of Africa, if a Gujju is present, there's always a herd accompanying him. It may be his stout wife and a dozen hyper kids, or his whole family, which might be large enough to displace the entire population of the Vatican. These wives will always carry huge polythene bags, which contain food enough to satisfy armies! Keeping Gujjus during armies could prevent wars as the soldiers would be to full to fight. (Stock exchange is the only place where Gujjus fight).

Kem cho?

Moving on to the disregard for mannerisms and etiquettes; Gujjus are unabashedly shameless. The clutter of spoons and forks in a restaurant and the burp to follow is a way of life. A burp is a signal for the waiter to clear of the dishes and bring on the mukhwas bowl whose entire contents surprisingly fits in to the tissue and then the lady's bag (to be enjoyed after going home). To know more, just board a flight to know how the airlines are being harassed by Gujjus.

I don't feel bad by slinging mud on my fellow Gujju's because I know they won't feel bad. That is how they are, totally oblivious to the foreign eye.

And yes, there's no need to worry whether you'd find a Gujju in hell. We're everywhere!

NOTE : Shifting from 'them' to 'we' in the last line is not a solecism but some regionalist bug creeping in.