BOONDI

 

         BOONDI -   kuch meetha ho jaye                             

Horrorscope 2012

Capricon
              If you haven’t celebrated your birthday already, there is a great chance that you will before 19th Jan. You may or may not find true love this year. It’s a fifty-fifty chance to be honest.
                 Your lucky colours this year are fluorescent orange and magenta. Well not really but once you’re dressed like that it can’t get any worse. Wish you all the luck which you deserve.






Aquarius
            It seems like the second month of the year is flying by too fast, but that’s because February has 28 days!!! Good news and bad news for those of you who have been trying to get a promotion – you will get more responsibility and work longer hour’s…. only you won’t be financially compensated for the same.
               You’r lucky colours this year will be shades of gold, yellow, bronze, green. All of this of course is pure speculation.







Pisces
            You will be presented with many opportunities to make unexpected financial gains this year. Keep reminding yourself that end of the season sales are bad ideas. Try flying kites, make paper boats, aeroplanes. This might help you in gaining your self-confidence. True love will come knocking on your door….only to find out that you aren’t home.
                 Your lucky number is the square of 414133 multiplied by the cube root of 6.34
[Special Advice – I suggest you Invest in a 12 digit scientific calculator]

Aries
             Pay close attention to Mundan details this year. Change your barber saloon. Brush your teeth twice a day and wash your hands after you use toilet. And remember if it burns when you pee, it’s probably something serious go visit a civil engineer as soon as possible.








Taurus
            You will feel optimistic [not optimus-prime] and vibrant throughout the year. Unfortunately no one gives a damm about that. Accept this harsh reality as soon as possible. You will meet your soul mate in this month of May. Sadly he/she is already taken. Don’t bother with lucky numbers and colours .This year is going to be one of your worst. On the brighter note this won’t be “THE WORST”

Gemini

             You will meet an attractive person from the opposite sex on a popular social networking site. A week later that person will reveal to you that he/she is infact a fat 45yr old uncle/aunty in an open relationship. I suggest you to abandon Facebook and head over to www.babashamdev.com at once.
                Wear a cyan-striped shirt with lilac coloured pants every Monday. This won’t change your luck, but it will at least brighten everyone else’s Monday.



Cancer
            You will suffer from at least one common cold this year due to an unexpected change in the weather. Your boss will finally grant you that much awaited vacation leave …only he will pronounce it as “lay-off”. Students please don’t mess with your college office peon. Around the second half year you will meet your soul-mate. Unfortunately this is the same 45yr old uncle/aunt. I have already warned Gemini about this.
               You’re lucky colour is white, but every time you wear it a crow will poop on you.




Leo
           Besides weight gain, acne and unexplained hair growth, you will also make a small financial gain in the game of the housie. Do not trust Irfan Khan lifetime prepaid sucks. You will travel a lot this year unfortunately your boss won’t pay you for this. Embarrassing details that have been hidden and forgotten may resurface this year. Destroy your 10th slambook at once.








Virgo

           There is a strange possibility of a change of residence after the bank seals your flat. Try watching IPL season four this year and please don’t curse KKR the only eligible team to make finals this year [hope so]  And if you curse this team you will develop nasty rash in an unmentionable place which will seriously hamper your sex life be sure to use your ointment.
              Your lucky number is the square of your pant size and cube of your dad’s shoe size .






Libra
          You will be determined to make a difference at work/college with your enthusiasm and optism, but I am really sorry to say that you will fail miserably. Don’t quit your job I suggest you to continue to half-ass your job. And old flame will return to your life resulting in some exciting romantic encounters. Unfortunately your patner will catch you in the act and dump you on the spot. Try to avoid Taurean’s , they’re going to have a miserable year ahead.



Scorpio
           Plan a surprise for your loved one …. Dump him/her. A promising money making scheme will present itself this year. Let me remind you once again that the Scheme is a Scam. Try watching movies like RVG ki “AGG” and Khidki kholo sajna and television series like Indian Idol and some of fektaa kapoors daily soaps if intrested.
              Your lucky number is the sum of your phone number multiplied by the exact value of pie. Got it !!






Sagittarius
             Finance will be good as long as you stay away from the stock exchange market. A guest from a foreign land may visit you. This may also be an exotic virus. The only antivirus can heal this is the Bangalore famous “ Subramanium antivirus” (40 bucks SP road).
Read varieties of newspaper in toilet. Donate all your money to people like me. Pay attention to what comes out of your nose.
             Your lucky number is 1.37 and lucky colour is Naseerudin Shah’s hair colour.

Different kinds of friends

Mallu friends
This species is defined by their unique abilities of eating non-vegetarian food and consuming alcohol. A standard male mallu friend can take in over in anywhere between 2-4 ltrsof kingfisher strong beer at a time. Earlier presumptions like dosas and appam is not a mallu’s favourite food. A hungry mallu can belt anywhere 5-6 leg pieces of chicken at one go ( number varies in kg if the chicken isboneless ).  As a ritual he starts making a resolution to start jogging / diet from tomorrow.
Mallu’s also have the irritating habit of calling their other mallu friends into the group and conversing with them in malyalli so “Nobody Knows” what they’re talking about. They will also suddenly laugh out loudly making everyone wonder what the joke was. A mallu is usually calm and composed by temperament but can quickly loose its composure upon subjected to the slapstick humour. A mallu will wildly slap his thigh while laughing and rocking to and fro. Some can also be heard saying “What a funny” !!!!!


Bengali friends
Scientific name – Funneeaccentus sapiens
                      These species is defined by its tendency to try and eat all the food you have. One should be very careful not to open a tiffin in front of this species as it will be finished sooner than you say “Aurobindo Dada”.
                      Bengali friends also have a different manner of talking. They usually add a haiiiinnn ?after everything they say I repeat EVERYTHING they say. And its an art to be able to recreate a similar “haiiiinnn ?by a non bengauli. Bengali’s prefer to stay in fact I need to say stick to their own community people. They will usually look at any non-bengali with suspicion and doubt then it may Nelson Mandela, Gurulingaya Swami or Carol Gracious, they will doubt any non-bengalis.
I don’t know whether its affection, love or hatred towards the English alphabet ‘O’ and ‘A’ but there’s something neither they know nor I know. They are the most affended people 24*7 ready to take revenge.



Punjabi dost log
Scientific name – bhangrapallopajjicus sapiens
Punjabi friends are defined by their availability when you need friends to bash up someone. Punjabi friends will be the first ones in a group of friends to start cracking sardar jokes leaving you embarrassed and awkward.
                 These friends need a reason to celebrate anything at all. So the next time you buy a packet of cornflakes be sure you tell them so they’ll treat you with tandoori chicken or if you get your wisdom tooth removed tell them I mean do tell them so you can celebrate it with some chill beer at the local beer shop where you get tandoori chicken as a side order
         This species has the annoying habit of buying expensive things every two days and then calling you up and telling about it so you feel miserable for about your life.
          The parents of these species will call you to their house and “slap” your back’s. They’ll hit you so hard on your back so you’ll stop breathing and then they’ll pour lassi down ya right down your throat to get you back to normal. The moment you are back to normal you will get one compliment “Oye tera friend badda kamzor hai yaar “.
All in all kickazz friends


Catholic friends :-
                    Scientific name – putsomeredwineinitamus sapiens
            These species are some of the most enjoyable people to have around , extremely cool , always ready to do anything weird came to mind say as a ‘thought’ . After every Sunday they will tell you what they did on Sunday. It usually consist drinking wine and eating beaf. In fact all this species ever manage to do is drink wine eat beaf and play “guitar”.
          Catholic friends will try and convince you to join the merchant navy. They’ll talk to you endlessly about it till you get sick about it and actually join merchant navy . They will force you to listen Boney M and Lionel Ritchie by continuously playing it on their cellfones.
        All the father’s of catholic friends have a French beard. Yhe catholic friends themselves will grow up to have French beard one day . Except if they’re girls. In that case they’ll marry catholic friends with French beard.
        The ideal life for these friends is to eat beaf drink wine and listen to boney m also join merchant navy one day play guitar and grow French beard .

ANT v/s GRASSHOPPER

An Old Story:

The ant works hard in the sunny hot day  heat all summer  , building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Comes the winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The ant works hard in the hot heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Comes the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, AAJ-TAK show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Poy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.

Medha Latkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .

Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.

UN International and Coffi Pannan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Kalu Prasad allocates one free coach to grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Papil Sibbal makes 'Special Reservation ' for grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Poy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Kalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '

Coffi Pannan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later.....

The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,

100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ,

...AND

As a result of loosing lot of hard working ants and feeding the grasshoppers,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.India is still a developing country !!!

Stupid stupid me

I'm feeling foolish and stupid. Not that I feel any different any other time of the day (or for that matter month or year, too) but I'm feeling particularly foolish. I was watching television the other day, randomly pressing buttons according to my wish and fancies when I stopped inadvertently at Doordarshan. The waviness of the channel was now a thing of the past and one could actually see the people without lines dancing up and down the bodies of the actors, which took me back to my childhood (which isn't too far behind). And all the stupid things I'd done. And I'm going to top it all up by publicly revealing all those things.

When I was in the fifth grade, Saif Ali Khan had more hair than Kareena Kapoor and Aamir Khan perfected the art of flops with Mela. And it was good. Rani Mukherjee's thighs spanned the entire screen. And, Subhash Ghai made movies like Pardes. It was an innocent time when Karan Johar made a campus movie with a signature move (remember the claps and the short touching on the nose?).

The gorilla-like gestures in KKHH were a rage among youngsters.

I still remember a girl in my class got a haircut exactly like Kajol, and all the boys expecting her to turn up in short skirts next, only to our utter dismay, she turned up in school uniform and beat the hell out of us inthe mid- terms.

I remember when I had gone to watch KKHH in Ganesh Theatre (yes, you may laugh), the power went off and one particular guy referred to the theatre owner's sister and ordered him to start the movie or face dire consequences (something related to bamboo going somewhere not very nice).

Film names were complete sentences (Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega, Hum Toh Mohabbat Karega). We didn't have the near-perfect Deepika Padukone or the hunk-like Ranbir Kapoor then. We grew up on the Suniel Shetty (with his sinusoidal dialogue delivery), Jackie Shroff (who wasn't prehistoric), Govinda (who occupied a single seat) and the Khan brigade (without the appendixes like Zayed and Fardeen, etc).

Hrithik Roshan had just burst on to the scene and his extra thumb was the talk among the girls: “Did you see his extra finger? Wow na!” At a camp, a guy had given me a random number and told me that it was Hrithik's number, and out of sheer curiosity, I had dialled the number not once, not twice but nine times! I demanded to speak to Hrithik every time and I wouldn't listen to any explanation whatsoever from the man who had tried telling me that the number belonged to a certain army officer. Only when he threatened to drop in home with an AK-47 (I knew it was a gun which went 'dhadhadhadhadhadha' thanks to Bollywood) did I stop bothering him. That was a close one.

TV was simpler. I remember Star Sports showing WWF (nay, WWE). Somewhere around 2001 was the peak for the single biggest fraud to have ever graced television. 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' was my role model, and Stacy Kiebler my fantasy. We used to wait for the Diva Specials just for the brief glimpse of the heavenly bodies. Broadband Internet was yet another fantasy and we would have had to sell ourselves to afford live streaming of, ahem, educational videos. In fact, I actually thought live streaming was impossible. I'd argued with my friend once saying, “Pagal hai kya? 25 MB ka video online kaise dekhega?” Of course, we also watched Undertaker vs. Mankind in the cage match where Mankind was thrown off the cage. But then there was Trish Status. Sigh. Ambling between the two was all we did during school lunch.

MTV and Channel V showed music videos, where Sameera Reddy was a demure girl, and John Abraham a simple biker in Pankaj Udhas (!) videos. Little did we know that Sameera Reddy would b right into our faces a few years later, or that John Abraham's butt would take biology to an altogether different level. The Aryans brayed like donkeys but we still listened to their songs. Boy bands and Britney were in fashion.

While listening to Backstreet Boys, my friend and I would listen to two lines, look at each others' faces, and ask, “Kya bola yeh? Samjha kya?” Only a few months back did I realise that the second line to 'Show Me The Meaning' was not “Is this the meaning I need to wanted”. I knew there was something wrong with my version, but then I'd never dared to question the wis-dom of the Backstreet Boys.

The only nudity on TV was Sourav Ganguly's hairy chest after India won the Natwest Trophy. And that was perhaps the only moment in history when the sight of a man baring his chest was met with countrywide approval and glee from men and women didn't give two hoots about it. The only reality on TV was that Baa was immortal and Tulsi was responsible for population explosion. her children were scattered around the country (perhaps one for each state?).

Our knowledge of politics too was limited to Advani's croaking and Vajpayee's 0.25X-speed speeches. I distinctly remember myself asking my father during the PM's speech, “Iske pehle wala word kya tha?” There were no blogs, Facebook, no webcomics. If we had to express our opinion to someone, we had to speak our minds. Kids these days are smart though. Just a few days back, when conversation veered uncomfortably towards youth role, my stories debited more than their fair share of laughter from my 16-year old cousin. He asked me, “Bachpan mein you were really dumb, na?” I still am, dear cousin. I still am. And it's public knowledge now...

Pick your Bags for the Moon

Moon? Yes, our satellite. The Indian govt is secretly plotting to shift the country to the moon. Aseem gives you the details ..

We're going to the moon. I mean not the human race, but we, the INDIANS!!! The government is secretly preparing us for life on our beloved satellite…Here's why…

m00n surface : 

                                 We all know the conditions of roads in our country. They are a perfect match to the descriptions Discovery gives us about the moon's surface. That's not a coincidence. The automobile technology is made for highly even surfaces or roads. Another thing to note is the surface hazards. The moon has craters and abyss spread all over its surface. Their depth ranges from the local nala to the devil's bathroom. It isn't possible to put up a sign of warning over each and every one. So, we are psychologically being prepared to avoid any hole, even if we are sleepwalked after downing 250ml vodka .That said, may any person who still does fall into a hole or a crater, get coverage from any channel I'm not watching.

m00n atmosphere : 

                                        The govt never answers questions about the pollution and that's again because they are preparing us for the moon! The moon's atmosphere is very different from ours. It is devoid of oxygen. When we do settle on the satellite, oxygen generation will be a major requirement of the human race. To preserve more oxygen, we are made to adapt and survive in lesser amounts of O2. And that explains the smoke, smog and other 'gases' in our atmosphere.

m00n water :

                               The minerals required for proper body health are obtained from plants, who obtain them from the soil. Minerals present on the moon are quite different from those present on the earth. So, while on the moon, these new minerals may be very difficult to adapt to. The sudden change in minerals will cause the human body to react unfavorably. Being a responsible government, its first step is to include some minerals right in our daily supply of water. These new minerals are added to our drinking and other water sources so that we may gradually adapt to them and survive on the moon.

m00n power :

                            Producing power on moon will be a difficult task. The only energy available will be solar, which has not been developed to levels of mass usage. As a secondary option, the government is enacting a practice of saving power. Hence we have power cuts which will save power. Once on the moon, we will be having a new name for them – Power Savers.

m00n terrorism :

                                  On the moon, we may be attacked by some scum alien race. It would be a war of technologies, with us looking for more social networking sites . At the end, we wouldn't be able to save anything. So what would happen to our hopes, our race (and all those hot girls )...? Current events of terrorism have taught us to carry on living without being affected for long. So much so that we would simply refrain from taking any action, saying "Let's carry on living…"

Gujju

Jalebi, fafda. Undhiyu. Snakes (read snacks)… is that all you know about the them? There's more, says Aseem

To start with, why is this column for the non-Gujjus? For the sole reason that the Gujjus who'd understand this, already know it too well and the Gujju's who don't understand this, never will.

For the utter native, Gujjus are people from the state of Gujarat. You'll always identify a Gujju. They make their presence felt; they' pretty vocal with a total disregard for etiquettes. You'd like to note here that I'm talking about the quintessential Gujju; a Gujju with all the Gujjuisms seamlessly stitched into his persona. There are totally different people from Gujarat too; those who have lost the touch because of external influence ('avda raste chadi gayela'). Many of the supposedly wayward people laugh on their fellow Gujjus; some in a lighter vein and some fullon coz no other option .

A true Gujju always laughs unless you're talking money. Money is a touchy issue and a Gujju takes it to entirely new heights. Apart from eating, drinking and sleeping money, some of them may even have had orgasms thinking about money. Laugh if you must, but money is one issue where you don't mess with a Gujju. He'll suck the marrow out of your bones in spite of being a vegetarian.

Gujjus and socialising go hand in hand. May it be the rainforests of South America or the Savannas of Africa, if a Gujju is present, there's always a herd accompanying him. It may be his stout wife and a dozen hyper kids, or his whole family, which might be large enough to displace the entire population of the Vatican. These wives will always carry huge polythene bags, which contain food enough to satisfy armies! Keeping Gujjus during armies could prevent wars as the soldiers would be to full to fight. (Stock exchange is the only place where Gujjus fight).

Kem cho?

Moving on to the disregard for mannerisms and etiquettes; Gujjus are unabashedly shameless. The clutter of spoons and forks in a restaurant and the burp to follow is a way of life. A burp is a signal for the waiter to clear of the dishes and bring on the mukhwas bowl whose entire contents surprisingly fits in to the tissue and then the lady's bag (to be enjoyed after going home). To know more, just board a flight to know how the airlines are being harassed by Gujjus.

I don't feel bad by slinging mud on my fellow Gujju's because I know they won't feel bad. That is how they are, totally oblivious to the foreign eye.

And yes, there's no need to worry whether you'd find a Gujju in hell. We're everywhere!

NOTE : Shifting from 'them' to 'we' in the last line is not a solecism but some regionalist bug creeping in. 

Filmi virus

Filmi Aseem who suffers from chronic film flu, shares the symptoms for future case studies

Ever since I can remember, I have been suffering from the filmi virus. It’s impossible for me to speak in normal sentences. The fact that I am hooked on to films doesn’t help either. And not meaningful cinema like Astitva or A Wednesday. I like watching Karan Arjun, Mohabattein and the likes. Yes, I suffer from filmi disease and it’s not an easy disease to bear…(for others, I mean).

#1 RAI KA PAHAAD

Exaggerating every thing is one major side-effect. A friend had lent me his pen and I thanked him: “Tumne meri mushkil asaan kar di. Yeh sirf pen nahi hai, humaari dosti ka saboot hai.” He simply stared at me for a few seconds, slowly removed his pen from my hand and walked away. I never met him again!!!

#2 GHUMA PHIRA KE BOLNA

This disease results in using too many words in place of simple, direct sentences. Unfortunately, this side-effect happened to surface when my dad was in one of his bad moods. I informed him that my friends were coming to visit. He asked grumpily, “How will they make it this late hour.” I opened my mouth to say, “Oh, they’ll manage,” but what came out was, “Mere dost aayange. Aasman ka seena cheer ke aayenge, dharti ki chhaati phaad ke aayenge, lekin mere dono dost zaroor aayenge.” My dad still hates Karan Arjun.

#3 BHARI SHABDO KA PRAYOG“

Parampara, pratishtha, anushasan…yeh is Gurukul ke teen stambh hai…” when Big B said this dialogue, I too, along with the crowd, had looked around with ‘arre kya bol raha hai yaar’ expression. But I was awed by it, nonetheless. Affinity towards usage of heavy words is another grave impression. I usually find myself using words like “sangharsh, mahatvapoorn”, and my friends usually have the ‘multiplying-134896-by-13-mentally’ expression when I talk.

#4 EMOTIONAL ATTYACHAR

As the filmi virus spread, I found myself getting highly sentimental. Once, during phone conversation, my friend said, “Arre main tujhe batana bhool gayi…” Without waiting to hear further I began, “Bas…tu bhool hi jaa mujhe. College khatam ho gayi toh dost ko kaun yaad rakhega, na? saat saal ka saath aise hi mita diya…” I later came to know that she had apparently just forgotten to say that her neighbour’s cat had given birth to kittens.

#5 MANORANJAN

My ability to churn cheesy romantic dialogues provides great entertainment when I meet my hopelessly-in-love friends. ‘Arre tu door hai to kya hua, dil toh jude huye hai na’, ‘teri aankhon se tere dil ka haal bayaan hota hai’, ‘Tujhe yahaan laga aur waha uske dil ke tukde tukde ho gaye’- it’s amazing how fast they go from normal colour to flaming red (and in one case, from flaming red to pale, ghostly white cause she had just broken up. Oops).

#6 BAK BAK

The filmi virus has opened my voice box to its fullest capacity! Confused? Well, confusion toh zindagi ka ek atoot hissa hai. Zindagi toh paheli hai jise humein samajna hai. Kaash bhagwan likh ke deta ki hume kab, kaha, kya karna hai…get the drift? Basically, I can talk filmi nonsense non-stop. It’s not a good thing sometimes, which I realised when my third cousin asked, “Remember me?” Honest answer was ‘No’. Instead, I said, “Yaad to unhe kiya jaata hai jinhe kabhi bhoolaya ja sake...” He probably won’t talk to me for another 20 years.

#7 PARIVAR KA SAATH?

Family support is rare when you suffer from filmi flu. When I tell my brother, “Bhaaaii, tum remote dete ho ki nahin!” he rolls his eyes and shakes his head like trying to get rid of an irritating fly. My mother’s eyes spring up with tears every time she hears me say things like, ‘bas na, pal mein paraya kar diya’ or ‘aise chhote mote ehsaan to hum karte rehte hai’. She probably wonders “Hey Bhagvan, maine tera kya bigada tha? Kyun tumne mere hi bete ko…” Maybe this disease is heredity!!!

I’d tell you more, but Hum Saath Saath Hai has just started, so I have to stop. I know what you are thinking, but it’s a bit too late for medical help. Mujhe dawa ki nahin, dua ki zaroorat hai!!! Pray for me brother .....puleeeej

Raavan

Aseem narrates a telephonic conversation between Money Ratnam and Abhishake Bachpan Here goes…

Abhishake Bachpan (AB) : Hello?

Money Ratnam (MR) : Hey, ABhi it’s me, Money.

AB : Yo! Money. Wassup! What do you want man?

MR : Money!

AB : I asked what do you want?

MR : Money, money.

AB : Yo, dude. Chill man (starts dancing to Genda Phool)

MR : Arey, no you idiot! Money...paisa, rokda. I was thinking of making a modern version of the Ramayana.

AB : Yo, man that sounds cool. Do I get to play like Ram or somethin’? Y’know bows, arrows n’ all?

AB : No, no. There’s a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.

AB : Raavan? Who’s the hero?

MR : Viveik. No, no, I’m kidding. Raavan was a terrible demon. Let’s just say your acting is... erm, the opposite of awesome so you won’t have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus I am giving you the liberty go over the top this time.

AB : Wow, like wow!

MR : Think of a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker on weed and Nana Patekar.

AB : Boy! that’s so khool. So what will this character be called?

Money starts looking around for inspiration. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty 0beer bottle. He starts thinking aloud to himself in Tamil which goes beer-a, beer-a.

AB : Beera, awesome. Who’s the leading lady?

MR : Um, Ashwarya?

AB : Awesome, dude! So what will her role be?

MR : Modern version of Sita. Tell her to have lots of food, so that she has the energy to shriek and scream throughout the film in her annoying high-pitched voice. Like she’s doing right now. I can hear her.

AB [angrily] : Aye Money, she’s not screaming man, she’s laughing. Pink Panther 2 is on.

MR : Then what is she laughing at?

[silence for 2 seconds]

Ahem...I digress. Why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?

AB : Er...No, I don’t do the Tamil accent. Only Hindi and fake American accent.

MR : Hmm...in that case I’ll have to rope in Vikram, who will play Ram in the Hindi version, to play Raavan in the Tamil version.

AB : So Vikram will be the villain in the Tamil version?

MR : No, he’ll be the hero.

AB : But you just said he’ll play Raavan.

MR : Yes

AB : So wasn’t Raavan the villain?

MR : Aiyo, rascal! Don’t confuse me!

AB : Ok chill...hey Money just hold on my servant is here. Ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.

MR : Wait! Don’t throw them away. We will need them to paint your face in the film.

AB : WTF?

MR : Yes, in order to show the audience that you’re a dark person on the inside, we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don’t worry your teeth will be sparkling white; a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.

AB : Whatever dude....you’re strange guy, Money. Anyways, how do we promote this film?

MR : I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. Your wife goes there every year right? Can’t she pull some strings?

AB : Of her dress?

MR : No! To sneak in a print of Raavan to show at the fest! Cannes is vital, because foreign film critics give rave reviews to bad films.

AB : Like Kites?

MR : Yes. And also Delhi-6.

[laughter for one entire minute]

AB : Money, showering fake praises on reality shows isn’t enough. We need a controversy.

MR : Two weeks before the release, you will go to all the news channels and praise Raavan. All the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, tearing posters and stuff...you know the drill. Also say that you’re glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle and not Maharashtra and work is done. And if we’re really, really lucky, then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit, macha!

AB : What an idea, Sirji!

ABhishake hangs up. Turns to Ashwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers and says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!

Ashwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?